Strong girl in training. Izzy with her second dump truck and construction gear.

I received some questions concerning my last newsletter from women whose dads were either not present or were abusive.  And I had another client whose mother possessed some of the above characteristics.  Their questions boiled down to the following: What do we do when this is the case?  How can we heal?  If you find it difficult to balance the masculine and feminine because you had an abusive, distant, emotionally absent parent, here are some very specific steps to take so you can heal from the origin of the hurt.  Remember, we cannot change who they are, so it is us who must change in order to find true happiness and peace from within.  Bummer, right?

1. Remember.  Mom/dad are human.  Often as children, we think of our parents as gods and goddesses whether we like it or not, so our expectation of them is to be perfect.

Activity: Visualize, sense or feel mom and/or dad in a cloud of white light, all human aspects of their being dissipated.  This may be tough to do, but if you can, it will help you to see them in their Higher Self and thus shift how you view them as whole.  The physical body separates; the Spirit self brings together.  See them in Spirit.

2.  Practice forgiveness.  When we hold on to resentments toward our parents, we are giving that energy (resentment = ego) power, and it actually makes us energetically and spiritually weaker as a result.

Forgiveness prayer and activity integrating Ho’oponopono:
Dear mom/dad,
I am sorry I expected you to be perfect.
Please forgive me for putting you on a pedestal or for resenting your humanness.
I love you for teaching me the strength in me to overcome any obstacle.
Thank you for being my teacher.  I can now be the parent to myself.

3.  Journal.  I recommended a journaling activity in the last newsletter I sent out.  Here’s a recap:

Balancing our Yin and Yang Activity:

Create two columns.  Write down the aspects of you that you consider to be “feminine” and “masculine.”  Consider the feminine aspects that you know you need to enhance (i.e., compassion, grace).  And then consider the masculine characteristics (i.e., boundaries, risk-taking).  Hone in on these by creating a symbol and color for the traits that you want to increase or enhance.  For example, I want to work on my level of patience.  When I think of patience, I see a white dove.  The imagery will help manifest this trait.

4.  Meditate and Visualize.  Think in the past of specific situations that could and probably should have been different (though should is a bad word – everything happens for a reason).  During a brief meditation and reflection imagine the parent saying/acting differently than what you remember.  Keep in mind, the only time that exists is the present, the now.  The past is gone, done.  It is not, therefore, real.  You can recreate it leading to healing. And as you do, you will literally restructure the neuron paths in your brain and change the way you function and think.

5. Go out and buy, learn or do something that is stereotypically categorized as “masculine” or “feminine” as the opposite of your gender.  Ladies!  Learn how to play drums, go to a firing range, start a small construction project.  Be tough.  Gentlemen!  Learn how to paint, draw, cook or bake – or even knit!  Be vulnerable.

Final Observation: Following up on my last newsletter, after some research, I noticed that there is a lot more focus on bringing in the Divine Feminine aspects of our being, but what about the masculine as well?  We need to be careful not to put too much emphasis on one gender or another for both serve a very equal, balanced and powerful purpose.  Think of the angels, for example.  Though they possess certain characteristics of either masculine or feminine (i.e. Archangel Michael, the Protector, is clearly a more male energy), they have never been human and are, therefore, genderless (or gender-ful).  Who’s to say that even though we are human we cannot be more like them?  Isn’t that in part why we are here?  Just a thought.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this and practice these tools leading to healing.  Never forget that as you heal, so you heal all others around you.  It is about the energy you elicit and share.  It is expansive, powerful and the ones who are ready will seek you.  I promise.

Much love always,
Jess